Choices

When did making choices become so heavy?

I frequently ponder when in life we began to feel trapped. The thrill of confidently picking the left or right hand behind someone's back stopped being enjoyable.

There was a time when it didn’t matter which hand was used to hold the object.

We simply wanted to take the risk.

We were eager to play the game.

Regardless of whether our decision was correct or not, the thrill of making the choice was sufficient enough to engage us.

And most often, we got to try again.

And whether we failed all three chances, we walked away as if it didn’t matter.

Indeed, it's evenly split at 50/50.

However, there is also a 50% chance of being wrong.

But, we had the courage to accept it.

So when did it get hard?

It's exhausting.

Making personal decisions that impact only yourself can be somewhat challenging.

For instance, deciding which coffee shop to visit on your way to work.

Which shirt would complement that skirt well?

Straight hair or curly hair?

Should I even wash my hair?

Those are difficult decisions if you're anything like me.

However, when other individuals are involved.

Making a decision is almost impossible.

Let's be honest, sometimes you're in a no-win situation regardless of what you choose to do.

I’m tired.

There was a time when someone else made those decisions on our behalf.

As we matured, we began making our own decisions.

Initially, it was enjoyable.

Independence, that is.

It was easier when you only had to look after yourself.

When you decided not to depend on anyone anymore, but also had the luxury to not be responsible for looking after anyone else.

But one day, everything shifted.

And you are standing in front of the mirror and you are asking yourself….

Who is taking care of me now?

When did I stop taking care of myself?

As women and mothers, we are part of a society where we are brought up by parents who demonstrate selflessness. Consequently, we learn to be selfless as we grow.

Always think of others.

Put their feelings above your own.

They are the priority.

Feed them first, you eat later.

As long as they are happy.

OR

Sometimes we live in a society where we are raised by a parent that exemplifies the opposite.

And you must learn to look after yourself and become independent much sooner than expected.

The idea of making sacrifices for others doesn't seem very important to you; in fact, it frightens you.

You put yourself first.

Always.

Each of those do only one of two things.

They make you hard, or they make you soft.

You learn to toughen up or you become too fragile.

And neither will let you look in the mirror and see what you are meant to see.

Instead you see someone that can’t choose themselves, or you see someone that can’t choose anything but themselves.

There was no third hand in that game as a child!

Yet, over time, regardless of your upbringing, you somehow created that third hand.

The issue is that the object cannot and will never be in a third hand, simply because a third hand does not exist.

What's even more surprising is that there was no object to choose from in the first place.

It was the hand that was the choice all along.

Not the contents within.

As a result, we grow up choosing from an imaginary third option that only brings confusion and self-doubt.

Now we find ourselves looking in the mirror, wondering why making decisions has become so difficult.

Ultimately, it comes down to choices.

Eventually, we lose ourselves.

We truly do.

Everyone does.

It is a natural disaster.

As a mother, I lost myself.

I was raised to be selfless.

So then every choice I made in life, was always being prioritized with others in mind.

I am tired.

I am tired of looking in the mirror seeing someone that time after time took care of everyone else but me.

Now I am left trying to pick up all the pieces and be okay.

To depend on myself to create joy, peace, and personal fulfillment in my life.

To finally take care of me!

But even that sounds exhausting.

I don’t want to even do that.

I don’t want to take care of myself.

I was selfless enough to do for others, so who is going to do for ME!

Don’t I deserve that?

Isn't it fair for me to be a bit more selfish this time?

Indeed, I am capable of embarking on the journey to discover my self-worth, learn to be centered in peace, and seek solitude.

I have made strides in doing so.

Honestly, it's self-deprecating for me to manage on my own and not need anyone!

Let's set aside psychology and focus on biology instead.

Personally, I flourish through connection and need the energy of others to fuel my dopamine.

Secondly, my brain doesn't function in that manner.

Neurologically, my brain isn't typical.

I have ADHD and need interaction and a hectic schedule to keep a natural rhythm!

While self-regulation is necessary at times, I am not able to spend my life entirely on my own.

My ADHD is an enduring part of my operating system, not a temporary condition that can be "cured" for convenience.

Make no mistake, solitude is something that everyone should experience!

I am someone who often seeks it.

Needs it rather.

However, we need to comprehend its purpose.

Solitude isn't about learning to be alone; it's an opportunity for self-reflection, a mental reset, and personal refinement, allowing you to present yourself better, improve, and feel enhanced.

We were not meant to be alone indefinitely.

We were made for companionship!

We were made for connections!

To walk through life alongside others.

To bear the burden on behalf of someone.

To have someone bear the burden on our behalf.

To be apart of a team.

To offer support by holding the hands of those in need.

To discover love.

To be loved.

I'm simply tired.

And more importantly, I am tired of being taken advantage of.

I am.

These days, life is beyond challenging.

And so are people.

I grow weary of being virtuous, doing virtuous deeds and always staying positive.

Meanwhile, it appears that everyone else around me is only thinking of themselves.

Selfish really.

Nevertheless, I continue to care.

Continue to do good.

Continue to focus on the positive.

And perhaps I will always remain this way.

However, I believe it's time for me to focus on myself a bit more.

Be a little bit selfish.

Let's discuss the distinction between being selfless and being selfish.

And since we're discussing the subject of choices.

Selfish-Someone who focuses on their own needs over those of others, behaving and speaking in a manner that benefits them, leaving others feeling unimportant..

Or someone that focuses solely on the world's negatives, blaming others and portraying themselves as a victim due to the unfortunate circumstances life has given them….

Selfless- Someone that prioritizes the needs of others, demonstrating kindness and dedicating their time and energy to them, all while putting their own needs aside.

Or someone, even in the midst of uncertainty, can discover the positives and push themselves to improve, not just for their own benefit but for the benefit of others….

Someone can deceive, cheat, steal, and exploit to fulfill all their needs, while another person offers love, kindness, acceptance, and even grace.

-Selfish vs selfless.

While one might blame the world, their past, their mistakes, and their trauma, someone else might see the true beauty of growth and focus on becoming better not just for themselves, but for everyone else around them.

Selfish vs Selfless.

I’m tired.

I'm exhausted, yet I can now see things from a different perspective...

Choices are not hard to make.

They are just difficult to make because the outcome is uncertain!

They are difficult to make because doing the right thing or the hard thing is not easy!

At times, difficult decisions can be frightening.

Let’s face it, we’re all afraid.

Afraid that a decision might require us to give up a part of ourselves that is comfortable.

But comfortability can hold you back.

And yet, regardless of the path some of us will choose, some will continue to focus on themselves.

There is no right or wrong anymore.

No left hand, or right hand.

No me vs the world

Me vs them.

My happiness over their happiness

Or my anxiety over reality!

I don't want to be selfless nor selfish.

Neither will guide me to my destiny.

I just want to be me.

What I want to be.

I want to act correctly and be righteous.

I want to aspire, to uphold virtue and share it with others.

I want to lead a fulfilling life that is exclusively dedicated to peace and nothing else.

In life, we all have the option to decide our direction.

I've traveled numerous paths that have brought me through challenges and difficulties.

Trails where I met those who had no space for me.

Paths that took the best of me and where I lost parts of me.

But this time, I choose a different path.

I choose the path I want for myself.

Not the one that others believe I need for myself.

Not the path that traps me in serving others and drains my energy once more.

Not the path where I spend more days alone.

More days facing mistreatment.

More days of dissapointment

More days with no support.

More days feeling insignificant.

I choose the path of my choice and the one where others will choose me, too.

Thus, after years of staring at a person in the mirror, seeing someone who cared deeply for others.

Years spent observing the reflection of a person who yearned for reciprocation.

And all the times throughout my life, I've often seen a girl in the mirror who is strong, motivated, well-organized, and incredibly busy, all while being her own supporter, motivator, manager, and secretary.

I am confident in fully understanding what I damn well want and need.

Because I understand my value.

I KNOW MY WORTH!

I no longer have to stand in front of the mirror and confront her.

I am her.

And I choose her.

By choosing her, I will remain true to myself, love as I wish, care in my own way, fulfill my needs, govern myself, honor my own worth, and expect to be treated with respect.

I aim to be the best version of myself so that others can reflect off of me.

I am the mirror.

You should also be the mirror.

Don’t stare back at someone that remains at the crossroads of life.

Choose you.

Choose yourself and embark on the journey to discover true connection.

The journey that guides you to the destinations meant for you and the individuals in your life.

The ones who mirror your hopes, dreams, and desires.

And remember a mirror is meant to be held.

It is meant to be present with another.

A mirror cannot be a mirror without reflecting onto something or someone.

And no matter how sucky it can be.

No matter how many uncertain crossroads you encounter.

Regardless of how many individuals you meet who are unable to face you.

That cannot confront your reflection.

Let them.

Face life's challenges with confidence and optimism, as your strength lies in your true self!

Don’t let others bring you down, just let them appear as the fool they truly are.

The ones that only see themselves as you stand before them radiating your light!

It is their problem that they refuse to acknowledge their true selves and their potential.

Because sadly, they are the ones that still choose that third hand of life that takes them no where.

Choose to go right or left, but know that you will never look back with regret.

Go with the assurance that your decision was wise.

It was not a choice made out of fear.

But a decision grounded in self confidence and in faith.

That it was a choice that brought you peace.

A decision that made you realize you don't have to face it by yourself.

And never forget,

The choice will always be yours if you choose YOU along the way!